one yes at a time

Sometimes when we look ahead at the big picture the road to get there seems daunting to say the least. For me, sometimes it's as simple as the type of person I want to be. The kind of wife I want to be. The kind of Christian that I want to be. Letting God strip you and make you like Him is scary to think about sometimes.

And then there are the more specific desires of my heart that are on the shelf. The things that are so deep in my spirit that I ponder them day and night. I want to be a mother. I want to take care of the poor, widow and orphan. I want to travel the world loving people. I want to be Jesus to the lowest of the low. I often ache for future seasons of life, always wanting what is up next. I think this is because I don't necissarily trust that God is going to get me there on His own. I know who I was meant to be. I know what God has spoken about my future. I can see my calling in the distance. I am not there yet. Not only am I not there, but I don't see a feasible avenue to take me there either. Oh, ye of little faith.

I believe that God is a God of process. I seem to be learning more so everyday. He is omnipresent, just as much alive in the past and future as he is in our present. He is there with me in the days of my future self. He knows the fulfillment the process has given me there. He is pleased with the character it has produced in me. He already knows it was more than worth it! So when I am laying on the floor throwing a fit of despair about my current situation and how unfair it all seems, the reality isn't that He is unconcerned. The reality is that He knows where this whole thing is going and that His intervention now isn't worth sacrificing the end result. My desire is to get what I want tomorrow and His desire is to make me like Him for eternity. His ways are not our ways.

Recently, while having one of these moments, the Lord gave me a picture of myself throwing a temper tantrum like a two year old, unable to think maturely or rationally enough to understand why Jonathan and I are going through the fire. When a two year old throws a fit because they don't want to take a nap, that is absolutely real to them. They aren't trying to be bad necessarily, they really are just incapable of understanding why. Their reality is that they don't want a nap- period. As adults, we know why a nap is in the toddler's best interest. We are making them lye down because we really do want them to be rested and happy. To them, they are just being made to do something that they don't want to do. God showed me a parallel of this in our relationship currently. While I am busy not understanding, crying and saying "but it's not fair" and "I want I want I want..." He won't give me what I'm desiring because He is the adult in our relationship and He knows what is best for me. I'm human and I can't understand His reality. I have to trust that as my Father, a nap is in fact what I need whether I like it or not.

Somewhere in the depths of my heart I have believed that if I fully put my dreams in God's hands that He isn't going to give them back to me. That I have to manipulate and work them up in my own flesh to make them come to fruition. I am so much like Abraham. I see the promise but I am not faithful to see it through. I try and obtain it quicker and easier than God intended and if I'm not careful I may end up with some Ishmaels in my life. I want to believe for Isaac. I want God to produce my hopes and dreams in a fashion where only He gets the glory!

But what does that look like? One yes at a time. One day at a time. God, You can have my heart today. God, I will say yes in this moment. God, I need your mercy right now. God, show me who is hurting around me right where I am. There are no shortcuts in becoming like Jesus. I am learning not to focus on the dream, but to focus on obediance in every small thing, always yielding to His spirit. My hope is to become so lost in that, that i'm taken by suprise when my dreams become a reality.

Isaiah 40

I think it's safe to say that Isaiah 40 is my favorite chapter in the entire Bible. It's the kind of passage that makes you cry in fromt of strangers at the pool (that may or may not have just happened to me...I'll never tell). It screams out to me! I can hardly stand it. I've read it hundreds of times and everytime it's like the first. In Christianity, so many times we like to read verses and passages in Scripture that have to do with us. Ones that make us happy, make us feel encouraged, makes us feel warm and fuzzy about ourselves. But this passage is 100 percent about the greatness of God. How great He is. How soverign He is. How small we are in comparison. How feeble and weak we are without His might. There really is no good in us apart from Him. We are so prideful. We think so highly of ourselves. It's God! He is the only one found worthy! We are fading. He stands forever. He is uncreated. We exist because of His creativity. We are just passing away. Only what we do by His Spirit will echo on into eternity. Sweet perspective shift!



Isaiah 40
1 Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
double for all her sins.
3 A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
the way for the LORD[a];
make straight in the desert
a highway for our God.[b]
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
5 And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all people will see it together.
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”
6 A voice says, “Cry out.”
And I said, “What shall I cry?”
“All people are like grass,
and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God endures forever.”
9 You who bring good news to Zion,
go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good news to Jerusalem,[c]
lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah,
“Here is your God!”
10 See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,
and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.
11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
13 Who can fathom the Spirit[d] of the LORD,
or instruct the LORD as his counselor?
14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
or showed him the path of understanding?
15 Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
they are regarded as dust on the scales;
he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
16 Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
17 Before him all the nations are as nothing;
they are regarded by him as worthless
and less than nothing.
18 With whom, then, will you compare God?
To what image will you liken him?
19 As for an idol, a metalworker casts it,
and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
and fashions silver chains for it.
20 A person too poor to present such an offering
selects wood that will not rot;
they look for a skilled worker
to set up an idol that will not topple.
21 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
23 He brings princes to naught
and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
24 No sooner are they planted,
no sooner are they sown,
no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.
25 “To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
26 Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.
27 Why do you complain, Jacob?
Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God”?
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

my heart

I threw out my back yesterday afternoon. Since then I haven't even been able to walk without assitance. So, with Jonathan at church this morning I am confined to my bed. It's interesting what can happen in your prayer life when you're stuck. I had multiple dreams last night that weren't so pleasant. They all dealt with individuals having strong negative opinions concerning me. One individual even pulled out a gun and shot me because of them. As I laid here pondering them, God struck me. I heard in my head, "You're wounded." As I began to cry I heard again, "Let's deal with that place." So this morning the Lord and I went on a journey together.

Man's opinion has always been something of great importance to me. I can't seem to handle it if one person thinks something negative about me. Lately I've been learning a hard lesson that not every person you meet is going to be your biggest fan. Not every person will care enough to see the intentions of your heart. And some people will just plain out see what's in your heart and not care. I strive so much to be liked by people, and because of that I have made the mistake in life of being entirely too trusting of my heart. I lay it bare before man believing that they will see it as God sees it. However, it's not man's place to care for my heart. Only God has the capability of really examining one's heart and honoring what is there. I was reminded of the Scipture in 1 Samuel 16 that says, "When they arrived, Samuel saw Eliab and thought, “Surely the Lord’s anointed stands here before the Lord.” But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearances, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

This was a morning of examing my heart. The good, the bad, and the ugly. (And trust me, I am more aware of the ugly parts than anyone else. I have many downfalls, thankfully pride isn't one). I am human. I am a sinner. I am insecure. I am envious. I say stupid things without thinking. I am opinionated. I have hurt people. But more than anything else, I learned this morning that there are things that the Lord loves about me that no one else knows or sees. He has chosen me, equipped me, and called me, regardless of what man may think of that. He sees me. He knows me. He is pleased with me and the intentions of my heart. I won't go into specifics of what He showed me bc it's personal between the two of us. BUT, what I will say is that I am thankful that His opinion of me overrides what mere man may think! He is the one that anoints. He is the one who sees. He is the only one who's judgements count!

So, this morning I cast down my idol of man pleasing. I don't have to strive anymore. My satisfaction can be grounded in the fact that He is already pleased with me.

A thrown out back was totally worth the work, Jesus :)

John 6:60-69

John 6:60-69

60 On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?” 61 Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? 62 Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! 63 The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life. 64 Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. 65 He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.” 66 From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. 67 “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. 68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69 We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

Sweet revelation. This passage is so alive in my heart right now. I feel connected to what the disciples were feeling in this moment. Jesus had just given a difficult and controversial message (even for Him), and the majority of His followers abandoned Him because of it. The price for following Jesus at that point was one that they just weren't willing to pay. So, the 12 sat with Jesus, and I can just picture the tension. I can picture Simon Peter's face as he sighs deeply and says, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life".

This is my heart right now, people. It isn't the prettiest. It isn't the most joyful. But it's real. God is in the process of tearing down the Kingdom that Jonathan and I have made for ourselves in the past year. Our plans, our wants, our goals. He loves us entirely too much to let us do it our way. God told me months ago that if I didn't draw near to Him that I would be offended in my flesh concerning what He was about to do with Jonathan and I. And yes, I am hurt in my flesh. But, I am learning to die gracefully. And I am learning more and more that I have no rights. I am His, foreal. I am just a vessel, foreal. These aren't pretty words for Christians to say to make themselves look spiritual. He is God. His plans are better than my own!

So, Simon Peter's words in Amber's heart go something like this... "I've left everything behind. I've given all of my life to You. There is no going back. There is nothing else. And, as difficult as it is, I have no choice but to go forward with You. I am ruined for anything else. Only You hold the words of eternal life. Whatever the price is I'll pay it."

Have Your way, Lord Jesus. Amen.

trust

Let's be honest. Trust is certainly not my strong suit. We are all aware of my constant, neurotic need to plan and know my future every step of the way. Matched with a spirit of perfectionism, well, it's exhausting to say the least right now.

Here is the funny thing. I haven't always been this way. It's actually difficult to figure out when I became who I am today. I mean, I am the girl in college who would rather take a B in a class if that meant I didn't have to study. I'm the girl who would clean once a month. I'm the girl who relentlessly trusted God for her every need, every single month, because if I didn't my bills weren't getting paid and I wasn't going to eat. I was the girl who's sole desire was to do something drastic and insane for the Kingdom. I begged God to send me off to some foreign land. I begged him to raise me up and send me off. Send me everywhere! I wanted to give every orphan in the world love. I didn't care about money. I didn't care about stability. I was so sure of my God to work out everything. Ahhhh, I miss her. Where did she go? She has been replaced with someone who beats herself down if all of the surfaces in her home aren't bleached once a week. She has been replaced with someone who will sit and re crunch numbers in our budget for an hour for absolutely no reason. She has been replaced with someone who makes a 5 year plan. She has been replaced with a girl who is afraid to fail at God's calling on my life. Seriously? Who am I?

Maybe this is all a product of growing up, working full time, and being a wife. Maybe it isn't. Maybe it's Satan's attempt to stifle the free spirit in my heart. Maybe I need to operate somewhere in the middle. I don't know. But I do know this, God really is faithful. He really is who He says He is. My need to control is such a fallacy, and it is nothing but pride in God's eyes.

I am at the best place financially that I have ever been. I have more monetary "things" than I have ever had. I have had this address for 1 1/2 years. Previously, I hadn't had a stable address for 5 years. I have a very comfortable bed. Previously, I had no home of my own and often lived on couches. Have these things jaded me? Is Satan using these gifts, which are from God, against me? Don't get me wrong. I love my life. It is absolutely astonishing how happy I am. However, I don't want to lose that girl. I want to trust God as I did in my youth. I want to relentlessly and unwaiveringly believe that my Father will provide for all of my needs. I want to move when He says move and go when He says go with no questions of "why" or "how" just because I know that my Father knows best.

We are in such a season of faith. We have no idea what our future will look like in almost every area. And what we do know is that what God is asking of us makes us scared and unsure. But, we are learning that faith is action. And that when God calls you, you will never feel prepared. He uses the weak things to confound the wise. Well, we are definitely weak. But we are only vessels. It's His glory anyway. What are we here for but to make Him famous?

I had an encounter recently with the Lord. I was in my living room, praying, and coming to Him with all sorts of things that I needed Him to do or work out. Everytime I would open my mouth He would interject and say "love me". I would reply "...but" and again, louder, came "love me". I began to weep. There it was. How we complicate it. I was created to love and be loved by God. There was no pressure in that place. The details of it all faded away. I want to live in that place, where loving God blindedly, I get to my destination... wherever that ends of being.

So I am in the process of letting the control freak go. I want to trust Him in seasons of lack and favor. I want to have faith in what He says regardless of the details. I want to be just like a little girl who has no other reality that what her father tells her is true. I refuse to let growing up steal that part of my heart.

2010

In 2010 I...

Learned a lot about love. Missed my sister and Layla more than I knew I could. Became a far better cook. Conquered fears. Encountered Jesus in ways I never had. Got a raise. Distrusted God's plan. Renewed my trust in God's plan. Worried. Rejoiced. Felt like I was on the highest mountain. Felt like I was in the lowest valley. Laughed until I couldn't breathe. Cried myself to sleep. Became more dependant than independant. Took on every battle holding my husband's hand. Let him fight a few of them for me. Felt like a daughter. Felt more honor than ever. Got cable. Watched too much cable. Enjoyed watching too much cable. Paid way too many bills. Turned 23. Watched Layla turn 2. Watched Jonathan turn 22. Celebrated every holiday with my husband, and enjoyed every holiday more than I ever have. Looked upon the future with fear. Looked upon the future with great joy and anticipation. Took up for myself. Didn't speak up enough. Smiled every morning when Jonathan's alarm went off as "Faithfully" by Journey. Pondered deeply about the dreams in my heart. Let some dreams go. Let the Lord breathe life onto new dreams. Played in the rain. Saved a lot. Spent the savings. Hung pictures on walls. Let roots grow for the first time. Started painting. Made wise decisions. Made dumb decisions. Grew up some. Tried new foods. Made new friends. Lost old friends. Played in the snow. Realized just how important family is. Learned real family sometimes isn't blood. Finally learned lessons I should have learned a long time ago. Let the Lord teach me the basics again. Fell in love with Him again in the process. Put entirely too much pressure on myself as a wife. Saw my husband somehow adore me in all my imperfections. Had wounds healed that I have carried in my heart over 20 years. Felt free. Solidified in my heart that my past would never haunt me again. Became obsessed with Catan. Felt completely comfortable in who I am and who God has made me to be. Saw my husband become a man in so many ways. Didn't use my degree. Praised God with friends when His promises for them were fulfilled. Sat in sorrow with them when they weren't. Cringed every month while I paid my student loan payment. Desperately wanted a pet. Got a kiss goodnight every night before I went to sleep. Went around the mountain again. Held so many babies. Felt love and peace every single time I did. Spent too much money on clothes. Spent too much money eating out. Missed Kenya. Cried many times over missing Kenya. Dreamt like crazy. Went on vacation with my little sister. Didn't read enough. Missed being a student, surprisingly enough. Changed my hair color more times than I can count. Loved well. Loved badly. Learned to love better. Watched so many promises be fulfilled. Cleaned my apartment more times than any sane person would. Got sick a lot. Found myself in so many ways. Became a little more like Jesus...

I call it a sucess! Here's to another year of growth and change. Whatever You want God, I'm ready! Your will be done.

the day i loved you least

A year ago today Jonathan and I embarked on the most beautiful journey of our lives. Let me tell you, marriage is something entirely different than what I was prepared for. I was prepared for difficulties. I was prepared for compromise. I was prepared to be selfless. I had a really healthy fear of what these changes would bring. However, I was not prepared for how absolutely amazing our marriage would be because of these things. I guess I had envisioned that marriage was the climax of love. That it sort of leveled off after that. I was so wrong! Looking back on the day we were married, I question how I even called those feelings love. They pale in comparison to the way I feel today... feelings birthed out of real sacrifice, real trust, and a complete meshing of lives.

Becoming one is a funny process. If I could label our year as something that would be it... "Becoming One". I feel as if after this first year I have lost myself entirely, and I think that Jonathan would say the same. Becoming one flesh isn't something that just happens at covenant. It is something that I think happens little by little, day by day. Everytime he denies his own desires for mine, a little bit of his independent identity is lost. Everytime I sacrifice a dream or a goal so that he may reach his, a little more of my selfishness is worked out of me. It's these seemingly unimportant choices, made throughout our daily lives, that have meshed our hearts together as one. In servanthood of one another, the Lord has anchored our very souls together. I am no longer my own. I am a part that equals a whole. I couldn't be separated from it if I tried.

It goes against every part of human nature to deny your own desires for those of another person. What a miracle it is to be given the ability to do so! I swear, I look at my husband, and despite all of his flaws and mistakes, all I can see at the end of the day is his heart and potential. All I am capable of doing is seeing the best in him even when life seems to be screaming at me to think otherwise. It isn't that I am unaware of his downfalls, or that he is unaware of mine. The point is that we choose eachother anyway, every single time, without the slightest thought. That is love! Love is proclaiming to the world, "I will choose you anyway!" When he doubts himself, or when he feels like a failure, I literally ache in my physical body. I think to myself, "If only he could see the truth! If only he knew what he was created for! If only he were aware of how gifted and unique he is!" Isn't that how God sees us? Isn't that His heart for us? I can just picture God the Father wanting to shake me as He looks upon my fears and insecurities saying th exact same thing. What a holy kind of love marriage produces. But isn't that the point of marriage to begin with? It is the closest we will ever get to knowing unconditional love, a Kingdom kind of love this side of eternity.

At our wedding reception, Jonathan's best man, James, said in his speech that he believed that we would look back on that day and remember it as the day that we loved eachother least. I wasn't aware on that day just how true it would turn out to be and how often God would remind us of that very statement. He has been faithful with that promise. May we look back every year on this day, November 14, and say "I love you more today". And may that love continue to become more and more selfless.




So, heres to you, my treasured husband! You are the most genuine and loyal man that I have ever met. A man of character, full of integrity, and full of the Spirit! There is no one else in this world that I'd rather laugh with, cry with, fight with, and do life with. You are my very best friend. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for your never ending kindness toward the tenderness in my heart. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for always honoring me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for always being a man I can trust and respect. I will follow you, as you follow the Lord, all of our days... I love you.