my heart

I threw out my back yesterday afternoon. Since then I haven't even been able to walk without assitance. So, with Jonathan at church this morning I am confined to my bed. It's interesting what can happen in your prayer life when you're stuck. I had multiple dreams last night that weren't so pleasant. They all dealt with individuals having strong negative opinions concerning me. One individual even pulled out a gun and shot me because of them. As I laid here pondering them, God struck me. I heard in my head, "You're wounded." As I began to cry I heard again, "Let's deal with that place." So this morning the Lord and I went on a journey together.

Man's opinion has always been something of great importance to me. I can't seem to handle it if one person thinks something negative about me. Lately I've been learning a hard lesson that not every person you meet is going to be your biggest fan. Not every person will care enough to see the intentions of your heart. And some people will just plain out see what's in your heart and not care. I strive so much to be liked by people, and because of that I have made the mistake in life of being entirely too trusting of my heart. I lay it bare before man believing that they will see it as God sees it. However, it's not man's place to care for my heart. Only God has the capability of really examining one's heart and honoring what is there. I was reminded of the Scipture in 1 Samuel 16 that says, "When they arrived, Samuel saw Eliab and thought, “Surely the Lord’s anointed stands here before the Lord.” But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearances, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

This was a morning of examing my heart. The good, the bad, and the ugly. (And trust me, I am more aware of the ugly parts than anyone else. I have many downfalls, thankfully pride isn't one). I am human. I am a sinner. I am insecure. I am envious. I say stupid things without thinking. I am opinionated. I have hurt people. But more than anything else, I learned this morning that there are things that the Lord loves about me that no one else knows or sees. He has chosen me, equipped me, and called me, regardless of what man may think of that. He sees me. He knows me. He is pleased with me and the intentions of my heart. I won't go into specifics of what He showed me bc it's personal between the two of us. BUT, what I will say is that I am thankful that His opinion of me overrides what mere man may think! He is the one that anoints. He is the one who sees. He is the only one who's judgements count!

So, this morning I cast down my idol of man pleasing. I don't have to strive anymore. My satisfaction can be grounded in the fact that He is already pleased with me.

A thrown out back was totally worth the work, Jesus :)