the day i loved you least

A year ago today Jonathan and I embarked on the most beautiful journey of our lives. Let me tell you, marriage is something entirely different than what I was prepared for. I was prepared for difficulties. I was prepared for compromise. I was prepared to be selfless. I had a really healthy fear of what these changes would bring. However, I was not prepared for how absolutely amazing our marriage would be because of these things. I guess I had envisioned that marriage was the climax of love. That it sort of leveled off after that. I was so wrong! Looking back on the day we were married, I question how I even called those feelings love. They pale in comparison to the way I feel today... feelings birthed out of real sacrifice, real trust, and a complete meshing of lives.

Becoming one is a funny process. If I could label our year as something that would be it... "Becoming One". I feel as if after this first year I have lost myself entirely, and I think that Jonathan would say the same. Becoming one flesh isn't something that just happens at covenant. It is something that I think happens little by little, day by day. Everytime he denies his own desires for mine, a little bit of his independent identity is lost. Everytime I sacrifice a dream or a goal so that he may reach his, a little more of my selfishness is worked out of me. It's these seemingly unimportant choices, made throughout our daily lives, that have meshed our hearts together as one. In servanthood of one another, the Lord has anchored our very souls together. I am no longer my own. I am a part that equals a whole. I couldn't be separated from it if I tried.

It goes against every part of human nature to deny your own desires for those of another person. What a miracle it is to be given the ability to do so! I swear, I look at my husband, and despite all of his flaws and mistakes, all I can see at the end of the day is his heart and potential. All I am capable of doing is seeing the best in him even when life seems to be screaming at me to think otherwise. It isn't that I am unaware of his downfalls, or that he is unaware of mine. The point is that we choose eachother anyway, every single time, without the slightest thought. That is love! Love is proclaiming to the world, "I will choose you anyway!" When he doubts himself, or when he feels like a failure, I literally ache in my physical body. I think to myself, "If only he could see the truth! If only he knew what he was created for! If only he were aware of how gifted and unique he is!" Isn't that how God sees us? Isn't that His heart for us? I can just picture God the Father wanting to shake me as He looks upon my fears and insecurities saying th exact same thing. What a holy kind of love marriage produces. But isn't that the point of marriage to begin with? It is the closest we will ever get to knowing unconditional love, a Kingdom kind of love this side of eternity.

At our wedding reception, Jonathan's best man, James, said in his speech that he believed that we would look back on that day and remember it as the day that we loved eachother least. I wasn't aware on that day just how true it would turn out to be and how often God would remind us of that very statement. He has been faithful with that promise. May we look back every year on this day, November 14, and say "I love you more today". And may that love continue to become more and more selfless.




So, heres to you, my treasured husband! You are the most genuine and loyal man that I have ever met. A man of character, full of integrity, and full of the Spirit! There is no one else in this world that I'd rather laugh with, cry with, fight with, and do life with. You are my very best friend. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for your never ending kindness toward the tenderness in my heart. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for always honoring me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for always being a man I can trust and respect. I will follow you, as you follow the Lord, all of our days... I love you.

Layla Bean

I honestly don't even know why I love her the way that I do.



But I do know that seeing her smile is just about my favorite thing.



Thank you Jesus, for Layla Elise!

babies?

Ok, so as you've probably noticed, I have an obession. Babies. After the birth of my good friend's little miracle, Adalyn Rae(i'm sure you've noticed all of the obnoxious facebook posts), i've been analyzing why they are so special to me. I mean, I can't get enough of them. I'm totally that girl who can't eat my food at a restaraunt because i'm awkwardly staring at your child and smiling. Possibly talking loudly about how cute they are. Probably annoying my husband far more than i'm annoying you. I apologize.
Unfortunately, you probably are all thinking this means that I have "baby fever" or that I myself am wishing for a child. While there is a sense of excitement for that season of life, it's actually much bigger than that. The truth is I am far from wanting a child of my own. So, why the obsession? I think i've figured it all out...

1. I am a born nurturer. Made to be a mother. Created with an instinct to do so. I just can't separate myself from it.
2. I have an annointing and gifting to be a "mother to many". I have gotten this spoken over my life about a million times. Not just children of my own, but to be a spiritual mother to many, many children who are in need. This drawing that I experience is all part of how God wired me so that I can be effective in my gifting.
3. Babies are a so, so holy to me. Really. When i'm looking at your child, it isn't just about how small and cute they are. They are so pure and innocent...a blank slate. I'm honestly thinking about all of the things that God could do with a life that hasn't been tainted yet. What God could do
specifically with each baby, and i'm probably praying internally for whatever that might be. It makes me excited! Especially in this generation, God has such need of them!
4. Pregnancy and birth are just crazy to me... the coolest thing under the sun. It's so common that we forget what an insane, supernatural, miracle it is! The idea of it all affirms my faith in God. It makes me in awe of His creative nature. Does anyone get what I'm saying? A freaking human grows inside of you, with it's own life, calling, and personality, then it comes out of you and lives it's life. INSANE!

So anyway, please excuse me while I ooh and ahh over your little ones! I'm only slightly crazy.

spiritual adoption

It's funny how one act, one moment, one declaration can change your life. It's especially humorous (I don't mean humorous in a "ha ha" way, more of in a "God's ways are higher and there is nothing that we can do about it" kind of way) when you recount the thousands of tears shed and hundreds of cries lifted up to Heaven, begging for God to move... and in one Word from His throne it's finished. A year ago exactly, one of those took place...

It all started as I was approaching my college graduation. I was ready to move on from this stage of life, straight into my new one with Jonathan. However, there was a 7 month gap between those seasons in which I had no idea what I was going to do. I didn't have anywhere to live. I didn't have anyone I could turn to. I obviously hadn't obtained a full time position anywhere yet. 7 months was far too long to live on someone's couch like I was previously accustomed to doing in situations like these. I was so stuck.

Randomly enough, a woman from my church, Kim Colver, overheard my plight and offered a room in her home for me. I honestly didn't think much of it at first and just assumed that she was being nice. Besides, how awkward would it be to move in with a family that I barely even know? My mental processes told me that something else would fall into place but that this could be a possible backup plan otherwise. I honestly didn't think much of it. 2 weeks before graduation I started to become antsy. What in the world was I going to do? With the help of Jonathan, I swallowed my pride. He had grown up with the Colvers and couldn't understand why I would be apprehensive to begin with. Thus, I began on a journey with them (not only Randy and Kim, but their 6 grown children, and obviously Grandma Jan) that would change the inner workings of my heart forever. The Lord had set me up. He was about to have His way.

The acts inbetween are none of great power. There were a lot of normal activities on which this bond was created... Kim teaching me to cook. Always having family dinners. Renovating the basement. Sharing my love for coffee and pickles. Talking about the Bible with Randy (He is a Dr. in Theology). Going to the movies. Learning to not be a picky eater. Staying up late talking to Deborah about absolutely everything under the sun. Learning how to check the oil in my car. Babysitting Caroline. Carpooling to church. Laughing. Having Kim cry about all of the same things that make me cry. Getting hugs. Randy being overprotective. Grandma Jan making a specific cookie just because it's my favorite... and so many more! The process happened naturally. It wasn't anything that we ever attempted to force. What came next was nothing but an expression and an acceptance of the knitting that God had already done.

When I was first approached about a spiritual adoption ceremony, I wasn't sure how to feel. My heart wasn't used to being chosen or honored. My entire life I had felt rejected. Pushed aside. Unwanted. Abandoned. It was unfamiliar territory for me to say the least! However, I adjusted to the feeling quickly :)

It was such a wonderful, beautiful, and holy event. I was issued a new birth certificate and the entire family came to lay hands on me, pray for me, and prophecy over me. Leadership of our church also came to honor what God was doing both in the Earth and in the spirit. Perfection. Sharon Mullins declared that this would be the most intangible, tangible event of my life thus far. She couldn't have been more correct! I went on with life as usual. Nothing changed in the natural. Everything changed in my heart! That pain that followed me around... gone. That orphan spirit that I couldn't shake... gone. That bitterness towards my parents... a compassion for them was left in it's place. The Lord finally had His way!! Because of this one work that the Lord completed, I was released to be who He has called me to be all along. I can be the leader I was meant to be. I can be the wife I was meant to be. One day I can be the mother I was meant to be. It now is easy to look back and know that in those times of serious sorrow that He had a plan all along. I'm thankful that He completed the work in His way rather than that of my own. It is immensley beautiful! Thank you, Jesus!

I absolutely could not imagine my life without this wonderful family! Don't ever underestimate the power of unconditional love and acceptance, and when matched with the spirit of God, what it can do in the life of an individual who is in desperate need of it. I am no longer an orphan, but a daughter!

Introduction

Ahhh! It has been almost 2 years since I have blogged. My previous blog was amberbeaty.blogspot.com, so when I got the itch to begin blogging again, an obvious change needed to take place :) I gave up blogging during that time because the changes that were occurring were too deep for me to even find words. It took my spirit awhile to take it all in, let it settle, and to let myself BE the changes God made in me. The last 2 years have been without a doubt the two most important, vital, and life changing years that I have ever experienced. This is true in my spiritual, physical, emotional, and financial life. I think it is fair to say that not one aspect of my life is the same. God has turned my life upside down. Literally, in the last year everything has changed. These changes might not be tangible to the outside world, or to those who aren't aware of the inner workings of my heart... but my soul is different.

I am different.

I always believed that God was who He said that He was. I always believed that His Words were true. I clung tightly to His promises, holding on for dear life, for years while those promises waned. Would restoration ever come? Would God really make an orphan into a daughter? Would God really take a scared little girl and make her into a confident, called woman of God who could stand strong in who she was created to be? Would God really give her the desires of her heart? Would God really heal the deep wounds that followed her wherever she went?

Yes. He would. He did. He is absolutely who He says He is.

Year one was the hardest year of my life. Depression. Fear. Rejection. Abandonmant... God was working it all out of me! IT HURT! A lot of you have been with me on my journey of inner healing. You've seen the back and forth. You've celebrated with me in my victories and wept with me in my struggle. We have rejoiced and mourned together in both the victories of my heart, and the places of my heart that were so desperately barren. Thank you. Year two has been MY year. The work is finished. The hurt is gone. The pain is over. My Lord said it best in Song of Solomon, "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come..." This is the me I was created to be.


Thus the name of the blog, "Something New". For I am not the same. Nor will I ever be. I have spoken the verse Joel 2:25 "...and then He will make up to you for the years the locusts have eaten" over my life every day since the first day I read it. I am here. I am in my season of redeeming the years that were stolen. This is my season. Everyday I am literally watching God give me back things that were stolen from me. Hallelujah, to the Uncreated One!

This is simply an introduction! In the next few blogs I plan on touching on a lot of the works He did specifically. The process is entirely too miraculous to leave anything out :)