the day i loved you least

A year ago today Jonathan and I embarked on the most beautiful journey of our lives. Let me tell you, marriage is something entirely different than what I was prepared for. I was prepared for difficulties. I was prepared for compromise. I was prepared to be selfless. I had a really healthy fear of what these changes would bring. However, I was not prepared for how absolutely amazing our marriage would be because of these things. I guess I had envisioned that marriage was the climax of love. That it sort of leveled off after that. I was so wrong! Looking back on the day we were married, I question how I even called those feelings love. They pale in comparison to the way I feel today... feelings birthed out of real sacrifice, real trust, and a complete meshing of lives.

Becoming one is a funny process. If I could label our year as something that would be it... "Becoming One". I feel as if after this first year I have lost myself entirely, and I think that Jonathan would say the same. Becoming one flesh isn't something that just happens at covenant. It is something that I think happens little by little, day by day. Everytime he denies his own desires for mine, a little bit of his independent identity is lost. Everytime I sacrifice a dream or a goal so that he may reach his, a little more of my selfishness is worked out of me. It's these seemingly unimportant choices, made throughout our daily lives, that have meshed our hearts together as one. In servanthood of one another, the Lord has anchored our very souls together. I am no longer my own. I am a part that equals a whole. I couldn't be separated from it if I tried.

It goes against every part of human nature to deny your own desires for those of another person. What a miracle it is to be given the ability to do so! I swear, I look at my husband, and despite all of his flaws and mistakes, all I can see at the end of the day is his heart and potential. All I am capable of doing is seeing the best in him even when life seems to be screaming at me to think otherwise. It isn't that I am unaware of his downfalls, or that he is unaware of mine. The point is that we choose eachother anyway, every single time, without the slightest thought. That is love! Love is proclaiming to the world, "I will choose you anyway!" When he doubts himself, or when he feels like a failure, I literally ache in my physical body. I think to myself, "If only he could see the truth! If only he knew what he was created for! If only he were aware of how gifted and unique he is!" Isn't that how God sees us? Isn't that His heart for us? I can just picture God the Father wanting to shake me as He looks upon my fears and insecurities saying th exact same thing. What a holy kind of love marriage produces. But isn't that the point of marriage to begin with? It is the closest we will ever get to knowing unconditional love, a Kingdom kind of love this side of eternity.

At our wedding reception, Jonathan's best man, James, said in his speech that he believed that we would look back on that day and remember it as the day that we loved eachother least. I wasn't aware on that day just how true it would turn out to be and how often God would remind us of that very statement. He has been faithful with that promise. May we look back every year on this day, November 14, and say "I love you more today". And may that love continue to become more and more selfless.




So, heres to you, my treasured husband! You are the most genuine and loyal man that I have ever met. A man of character, full of integrity, and full of the Spirit! There is no one else in this world that I'd rather laugh with, cry with, fight with, and do life with. You are my very best friend. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for your never ending kindness toward the tenderness in my heart. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for always honoring me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for always being a man I can trust and respect. I will follow you, as you follow the Lord, all of our days... I love you.