trust

Let's be honest. Trust is certainly not my strong suit. We are all aware of my constant, neurotic need to plan and know my future every step of the way. Matched with a spirit of perfectionism, well, it's exhausting to say the least right now.

Here is the funny thing. I haven't always been this way. It's actually difficult to figure out when I became who I am today. I mean, I am the girl in college who would rather take a B in a class if that meant I didn't have to study. I'm the girl who would clean once a month. I'm the girl who relentlessly trusted God for her every need, every single month, because if I didn't my bills weren't getting paid and I wasn't going to eat. I was the girl who's sole desire was to do something drastic and insane for the Kingdom. I begged God to send me off to some foreign land. I begged him to raise me up and send me off. Send me everywhere! I wanted to give every orphan in the world love. I didn't care about money. I didn't care about stability. I was so sure of my God to work out everything. Ahhhh, I miss her. Where did she go? She has been replaced with someone who beats herself down if all of the surfaces in her home aren't bleached once a week. She has been replaced with someone who will sit and re crunch numbers in our budget for an hour for absolutely no reason. She has been replaced with someone who makes a 5 year plan. She has been replaced with a girl who is afraid to fail at God's calling on my life. Seriously? Who am I?

Maybe this is all a product of growing up, working full time, and being a wife. Maybe it isn't. Maybe it's Satan's attempt to stifle the free spirit in my heart. Maybe I need to operate somewhere in the middle. I don't know. But I do know this, God really is faithful. He really is who He says He is. My need to control is such a fallacy, and it is nothing but pride in God's eyes.

I am at the best place financially that I have ever been. I have more monetary "things" than I have ever had. I have had this address for 1 1/2 years. Previously, I hadn't had a stable address for 5 years. I have a very comfortable bed. Previously, I had no home of my own and often lived on couches. Have these things jaded me? Is Satan using these gifts, which are from God, against me? Don't get me wrong. I love my life. It is absolutely astonishing how happy I am. However, I don't want to lose that girl. I want to trust God as I did in my youth. I want to relentlessly and unwaiveringly believe that my Father will provide for all of my needs. I want to move when He says move and go when He says go with no questions of "why" or "how" just because I know that my Father knows best.

We are in such a season of faith. We have no idea what our future will look like in almost every area. And what we do know is that what God is asking of us makes us scared and unsure. But, we are learning that faith is action. And that when God calls you, you will never feel prepared. He uses the weak things to confound the wise. Well, we are definitely weak. But we are only vessels. It's His glory anyway. What are we here for but to make Him famous?

I had an encounter recently with the Lord. I was in my living room, praying, and coming to Him with all sorts of things that I needed Him to do or work out. Everytime I would open my mouth He would interject and say "love me". I would reply "...but" and again, louder, came "love me". I began to weep. There it was. How we complicate it. I was created to love and be loved by God. There was no pressure in that place. The details of it all faded away. I want to live in that place, where loving God blindedly, I get to my destination... wherever that ends of being.

So I am in the process of letting the control freak go. I want to trust Him in seasons of lack and favor. I want to have faith in what He says regardless of the details. I want to be just like a little girl who has no other reality that what her father tells her is true. I refuse to let growing up steal that part of my heart.